San Diego’s finest anchorman takes time out to gives it to us straight – don’t act like you’re not impressed
LIKES A strong jawline, a woman with a big butt in bell-bottoms, Erik Estrada, Clams Casino, vigilante justice, iceberg lettuce, oversized chess pieces, negative pregnancy tests, the loud laugh of an Asian woman, a great cup of chili, backgammon with a topless woman sailing, planting explosives underneath a Nazi truck, MacArthur’s pipe, The Poconos, Alec Guinness, Ramsey Lewis, sex, loads of cash, Mount Rushmore (except for the Jefferson head, they botched that one), the nine of spades, the mysterious moray eel, the men and women who serve in the United States military, Jesus’ father Joseph (he never gets his due), drinks with umbrellas in them, smart women who show cleavage, when Elvis was into karate, rare coins, great meetings, my diners club card, hot air ballooning with Malcolm Forbes, a Supertramp acoustic set, the mighty condor, when America takes a stand, McGruff the Crime Dog (he’s funny and I learn stuff from him), an alligator skin couch, really nice tassels on loafers, when a woman flips the hair out of her face to light a cigarette, Cuban baseball players, pork chops, walking naked around the locker room for hours and hours, controlled burns, the bathroom at a steakhouse, when someone older than me calls me ‘sir’, people who smoke on the beach, the way they draw the invisible girl when she’s invisible, Dick Van Patten, Lee Van Cleef, when cowboys use dynamite, Evel Knievel’s stock portfolio (the guy’s not only fearless, he can invest), Pan Am (by far my favorite carrier), Pimlico Race Track, Smith from Smith and Wesson (Wesson and I have never hit it off), sex at the carnival, speeding, The World Almanac, Al Jarreau, strong man competitions, carving stations, his and her crappers, super frothy beers, battle of the network stars, ham croquettes, nipples that point slightly upward, when the fighter who’s supposed to take a dive decides not to take the dive because he’s too proud, ‘Hart to Hart’ (Stefanie Powers isn’t a woman, she’s the woman), the Conair 390 blow-dryer, shooting the shit with Pepe down at the racetrack, Kojak, the Gulf Coast, Tom Landry, town criers (the very first anchormen), the ads in the back of Playboy, when a child yells ‘we love you Ron Burgundy’ from an apartment window, The #3 with extra onions at Malfi’s, the pilot and crew of the Goodyear blimp (why aren’t they considered part of the military?), when Bruce Lee fought Kareem Abdul Jabar in Game of Death, when I wake up drunk in a shopping cart with Baxter licking my face, Kenny ‘The Snake’ Stabler (I’ll never forget our night in San Antonio), my good friends The Mandrell Sisters (each one lovelier than the next), summer in Oklahoma, having a cigarette with my doctor as we talk about the results of my physical, the moon (come on, it’s the moon, how could it not be on this list?), Micronesia (I feel like it never gets its due), gravy fries and a cup of Irish coffee, making out with Barbara Walters, cheating on my taxes, the year when I seriously pursued swimming and had to shave my body clean (god that felt good), the Astrodome (hell of a facility), The Bad News Bears 2: Breaking Training (way better than the first one), spackling, roughage, the comedies of Sean Connery, wall-to-wall cream-colored carpeting, salad bars that have pudding, a nice paisley necktie democracy, a swift kick in the pants, exotic fish tanks, finely toothed combs, hearty egg breakfast for $2.99, nautical scrimshaw, Santa Fe (I really become ‘one’ there), Campbell’s Creamy Tomato Soup, tableside service, the smell of Scotch and hotel carpet, hotel carpet, the peace of smoking sections in churches, mini bars, blueprints of early British Castles, ivory, driving with AC on and windows down and Journey on loud, when a story hits you on an emotional level but also in your balls (that’s news), creases and pleats, pleats and creases, anything Bryan Ferry does, house plants, open houses, old Asian folklore (so hilarious), velour turtle necks, waterbeds, hand kisses under the moonlight, bicycles with the really big wheel in the front, motorized carts, the sweet smell of cherry oak, freshly husked corn, saying the term ‘anal retentive’, felt paintings (only the classy ones), the fact that people own chinchillas, the game ‘mancala’, African water horses galloping in slow motion, high-stakes foot races, wind scorpions, satin sheets that smell of warm vanilla, cod with a hint of lavender, the Spanish exploitation film Fuego (not for the reason you think), unnecessary lampooning, anything starring or written by Tom Laughlin, room temperature, pudding, perms, steak fat, disco (pronounced die-scoo), doric columns, candles in Chianti bottles, linen pants, sweaters that depict the art of skiing, heavy decorative lighters, tumblers (for Scotch), briefs, important news bulletins, taco night, fancy hubcaps, bicycles built for two, sailor hats, brass door knockers, tube tops, brown suits, a chilled Chablis, football replays (wish the whole game could be replays), the smell of autumn, hot dogs with ‘the works’, history (American), a full bucket of ice, a wide variety of condiment choices, talcum powder, Rocky 3, tanning beds, camp memories, unsalted caviar, a brisk morning, women who find me attractive, bedtime stories that do not involve math, a hot rum, strong angular lapels, wall-hung oriental rugs, patio drinks, CB radios, a well-constructed tunnel, buried treasure, firemen, skipping flat stones at low tide, airport lounges, T-shirt cannons, crabs (the non-pubic kind), dry frosting, Tennille (but not Captain. See Dislikes), when a beautiful woman asks me about my hair, Erik Estrada, a framed diploma, a clean sauna, an attentive hotel bartender, grabbing a cold one down at the construction site, the native American art of frisbee throwing, spoilers on sports cars, the five dollar bill (it’s a classy bill), stories about fisherman, walk-in closets, intense eye contact with that lovely blackjack dealer at The Sands, flame-throwers, a steak knife with a good handle…
DISLIKES Corduroy, pennies, forest preserves, complicated numbers, mushrooms, Boston, Europe, turkeys, room temperature, yoga and yogurt, docs about the Vietnam War (let it go already), whole wheat, poetry (except for limericks, I love me a good limerick), contradictions, the word ‘ambiguity’, when ladies don’t dress sexy for Halloween, children who aren’t precocious, cleaning fish tanks (I just prefer to dump the fish out and get a bunch of new ones), pita bread (if I wanted to eat like to Lawrence of Arabia I’d move to Egypt), Germans who give me bad medical news, when my arm wrestling opponent tries to get too much leverage before we start, Roger Staubach’s wife Wendy (I love you Roger, but she is a first-class bitch), healthy wedding cake (what the fuck?), when bartenders tell me that maybe I don’t need another drink (thanks Dad, maybe you don’t need another), men with long hair (unless it’s feathered), eggplant (I still don’t believe it’s a food), Greek men who want to show me their wine cellar, women with short hair (unless you are Dorothy Hamill, that woman is a goddess), when stewardesses aren’t flirty, nuns who don’t wear the nun habit (you joined the club, now dress like it honey), bars that have too many plants, when my steak’s not bloody, non-smoking sections (just cause I entered this hospital doesn’t mean you get to control my life), cous cous, Chinese restaurants that are too Chinese, philosophy, Donald Sutherland (not my kind of guy, never has been, never will), insects, pumpkin soup, the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey (what ever happened to an old fashioned story? And where’s the girl?), hushed tones, Spiderman, jai alai (what the hell?), men who see a hairdresser instead of a barber, white wine, the country of Turkey, Esperanto, the UN (what are they doing in there?), Key lime pie (no thank you), baby’s first words (also known as baby’s worst words), Formula One racing (looks like they’re driving bugs), hobos who don’t whistle a merry tune as they walk down the street, rice, green tea, computers, sushi, being alone, mint-flavored floss, communists, standing in line, origami, robots, two-year-old Scotch, getting punched in face in front of people, Bryan Ferry’s new stuff, wood, kids from ages 2 thru 17, imported cars, crabs (the pubic kind), news radio (only half the story), fresh paint, smiling animals, boats on land, the feel of cork, movies about ‘art’, turn signals, rollerblades, odd numbers, birds that don’t sing, black and white photography, vampire coffins, old people on TV, science in magazines, slippery door knobs, wet socks, tofu, cry babies, beards on women, words over three syllables, rainbow socks with individual toes, violet (the color), blind cats, rainy days, extra innings, subtitles in movies, sofas that are too small for napping, self-driving cars, werewolves, curry, sandals (on a man), frogs and toads, traffic lights, customs officers, female superheroes, the word ‘pamphlet’, groggy toll attendants, Europe, the name Barry, old meat, a man who admits he can’t keep a promise, a weak glare, soft chins, holding doors for people, other people’s dreams, speed boats (taken’ it slow’s the only way to go), the under belly of a tree frog, jackets with deep pockets, turnstiles, the letter ‘m’, the damn witch hippies, cream-colored pocket squares, rules, Somalia, male discrimination (very under‐looked), James Dean movies, questions, the codename ‘Whispering Sparrow’, their there and they’re, the entire ‘77 Croatian Bobsled team, faces without hair, women who are good at math, the invention of the hula hoop, fire drills, Western art that doesn’t feature horses, auctioneers that don’t talk fast, when I can hear the people in the hotel room next to me having sex when I’m trying to have sex, cat burglars (a little too gay for me), The Doobie Brothers (do you know ‘doobie’ is slang for marijuana?), male nurses, well water (water doesn’t come from a rocky hole it comes from a faucet), mystery novels (what the hell is going on, just tell me), the weird chapter titles in the bible (‘Leviticus’ and ‘Genesis’ – how about Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 etc), when you can see an anchorman’s eyes reading the prompter, Henry Kissinger (he works for America, but what’s with the accent?), Pink Floyd (would it hurt them to play one peppy tune?), the game at the carnival where you toss the ring around the bottle (I’ve easily lost 30 grand on that game), anything that glows in the dark, sad clowns, the middle kid from The Sound of Music (what a dickhead), barracuda bites (ouch), World War I (that whole war seemed like one big bummer), croissants (just give me a goddamn donut, I’m American), John the Baptist (how about John the Weirdo), filthy quicksand, the smell of an ancient tomb, when there’s no truckers at a truck stop, native Americans that can’t handle a knife, when a lion is too boney, olives in omelettes, food with eyes, the English always adding ‘u’ into words, a weak hair dryer, soggy cereal, that Election Day is on a Tuesday, Captain (you know who I’m talkin’ about), cigarette warning labels, bathroom carpeting, the cola wars, Secretaries Day (c’mon, they got it easy), the ‘no-drink’ rule on an airplane just because the landing gear is out (I’m not driving the damn thing), tipping, fortune cookies, speed limits, Darth Vader, a foggy rearview mirror, being awoken by reindeer hooves on my roof EVERY Christmas Eve, pig hair, a loud massage parlor, the Mona Lisa, that San Diego is not the capital of America, crime, cat claws, paintings of skeletons, a stage manager with his head up his ass, that in this day and age you can’t get a steak at a gas station, buttons, ukulele music, black magic, deadly asteroids, that only scientists and doctors get to wear lab coats, corn mazes, a rented tux, people who are not more understanding about getting hit by my car, a lazy barber, those skateboarders and their orange soda, that the sun and moon are never out together, people who haven’t heard of me, a cold shoe horn, electric fences, window grime, talkative bank tellers, books that don’t come with their own ribbon bookmark, that I’m not better known in Japan, sword swallowers, clam sauce, the Portuguese singing craze, karaoke, dessert wine, chalk dust…
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues is out now
